underwhelmed underachiever under a bed?
I wish I could hide in bed forever.
The world is entirely more tolerable from beneath my blankets, but alas, I can't stay hidden in this cotton comfort. I have to be a "real" person, which means hanging out with my "real" friends. Ha...ha...ha.
Once again, I feel like that third grader who didn't get invited to the cool kid party because I always had my fly undone. Damn skorts from the Limited. See the costs of high fashion! Anyway, I know I shouldn't let something as small as a birthday party get under my skin, but it does. No matter how old you get, rejection will always have that biting sting - doubly so when it's not a lover, but a friend.
Everything's just going so fast. I get dizzy at the thought of next year or more specifically its vagueness. My DGA test was...interesting. I've never felt so young in my life. Everyone else at the exam was at least a good five years older than Steve and I and in the business already by the same jump start. Connections my ass. This was the real deal, and I'm afraid I blew it. Oh, well. All aboard the train to bankruptcy! Haha.
And people just keep leaving. I miss REL so much, and I'll see her in a few weeks! I can't even fathom what it will be like to say goodbye to everyone here for good. Gumby's gone after next quarter. BFF will inevitably make a new BFF next year, and I'm terrified of leaving Ant and Jess in June. There's also this constant fear that he won't even remember me. And you know who I'm talking about...the one I said I wouldn't mention anymore.
Shit. There I go again. Thinking about what's supposed to be over. Ant says I shouldn't beat myself up over it: "You can't expect four years of feelings to just disappear over night." What?!? That wasn't part of the deal! So, yeah. It's a lot harder than it seems. And every damn Frou Frou song makes me think of him, yet I curiously find myself taking long drives in the snow with the album on repeat.
And I'm becoming quite desperate for "alone" time. No, not to do that. Get yo' mind out the gutter! It's just become increasingly difficult to have a moment to my own thoughts and...well, let's be honest, to cry. I keep fucking crying, and I don't know why. I blame it on the snow. ALL on this damn snow...which is much easier than admitting that I'm sad about the current state of friendships, family, and life in general.
I miss A-Bei. I miss that real perspective. And I hate that he's gone, and all I have left is fucking Nick-At-Nite and the first el of the morning. Well this turned into a slit-yo-wrist kind of entry, huh? I wish I could sing better than "just better than Ant"...
Wouldn't I be a great emo artist? I mean, I've got the whining thing down. Anywho, it's time for some shut-eye. Tomorrow/today promises to be better than the last...or at least better than Saturday. :)
don't worry, be happy,
Li-Wei
The world is entirely more tolerable from beneath my blankets, but alas, I can't stay hidden in this cotton comfort. I have to be a "real" person, which means hanging out with my "real" friends. Ha...ha...ha.
Once again, I feel like that third grader who didn't get invited to the cool kid party because I always had my fly undone. Damn skorts from the Limited. See the costs of high fashion! Anyway, I know I shouldn't let something as small as a birthday party get under my skin, but it does. No matter how old you get, rejection will always have that biting sting - doubly so when it's not a lover, but a friend.
Everything's just going so fast. I get dizzy at the thought of next year or more specifically its vagueness. My DGA test was...interesting. I've never felt so young in my life. Everyone else at the exam was at least a good five years older than Steve and I and in the business already by the same jump start. Connections my ass. This was the real deal, and I'm afraid I blew it. Oh, well. All aboard the train to bankruptcy! Haha.
And people just keep leaving. I miss REL so much, and I'll see her in a few weeks! I can't even fathom what it will be like to say goodbye to everyone here for good. Gumby's gone after next quarter. BFF will inevitably make a new BFF next year, and I'm terrified of leaving Ant and Jess in June. There's also this constant fear that he won't even remember me. And you know who I'm talking about...the one I said I wouldn't mention anymore.
Shit. There I go again. Thinking about what's supposed to be over. Ant says I shouldn't beat myself up over it: "You can't expect four years of feelings to just disappear over night." What?!? That wasn't part of the deal! So, yeah. It's a lot harder than it seems. And every damn Frou Frou song makes me think of him, yet I curiously find myself taking long drives in the snow with the album on repeat.
And I'm becoming quite desperate for "alone" time. No, not to do that. Get yo' mind out the gutter! It's just become increasingly difficult to have a moment to my own thoughts and...well, let's be honest, to cry. I keep fucking crying, and I don't know why. I blame it on the snow. ALL on this damn snow...which is much easier than admitting that I'm sad about the current state of friendships, family, and life in general.
I miss A-Bei. I miss that real perspective. And I hate that he's gone, and all I have left is fucking Nick-At-Nite and the first el of the morning. Well this turned into a slit-yo-wrist kind of entry, huh? I wish I could sing better than "just better than Ant"...
Wouldn't I be a great emo artist? I mean, I've got the whining thing down. Anywho, it's time for some shut-eye. Tomorrow/today promises to be better than the last...or at least better than Saturday. :)
don't worry, be happy,
Li-Wei
posted by Li-Wei @ 4:06 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home