Falls Apart

Night lift up the shades

Let in the brilliant light of morning

But steady me now

For I am weak and starving for mercy

Sleep has left me alone

To carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong

It's all I can do to hang on

To keep me from falling

Into old familiar shoes

So despite the fact that Effexor and LA have kept me fairly distracted thus far, current circumstances have forced me to remember what I tried so hard to forget. Ant, although I proudly claimed to have "gotten over it," the truth is...you never really do.

Try as we might (and oh, have we tried), the pain of losing someone you love is indescribable. You do your best to move on, but your heart clings to the past and makes you question why. Why now? Why Angela? Why me? Why cancer?...

To be honest, it was almost easier losing A-Bei than Andy. I had six months to prepare for cancer. I had six seconds to realize I was getting dumped in the hallway of Tridelt. Ah, but I'm over it, right? Yeah...right.

If I was, I wouldn't be scared of "mingling" in a straight bar. And I wouldn't be terrified of Chris. I wouldn't let the fact that he's brilliant and cute and endearing and well-versed in music and film...and that he's the first really interesting man I've met in the last few months stop me from hanging out with him.

Love has made me a fool

Set me on fire and watched as I floundered

Unable to speak...

You leave me here burning

In this desert without you

I'll deal eventually. This helps, right? Hypothetically, a publicized rant to the online void should move me closer to "normal"...I hope. Writing this has at least forced me to recognize my fears of loss, of love, of losing control of my body and mind again.

It's times like these that I miss my uncle. He had a distinct way of putting everything into perspective with a knowing scowl and a barked adage. Ironically, I had a moment with A-Bei this week. My aunt uses his cell phone now, and she called me from his number. I couldn't force myself to erase his entry out of my cell yet, and so when she called, I thought for a split second that maybe it was all a bad dream...that maybe I'd answer my phone and everything would be back to the way they were before last summer.

Well, it obviously wasn't him. So instead, I whine about a man who I'm too scared to know and an ex-boyfriend who won't even remember my name in twenty years. Oh, the irony of my life. If you're reading this, I apologize for the overall depressing tone of this entry. I blame it entirely on a long day at work, icecream, and Sarah McLachlan. I promise to be more positive in my next entry...and to try and move on.

But for now, I leave you with an image of happier times...when things were less complicated and love was less jaded...

"Everything changes. Everything falls apart."

Here's to moving on...

holla,

Li-Wei